


Just In Case It Hasn't Gone

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Series: When We Were Young series [2]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex is an unreliable narrator again, Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, References to Homophobia, References to traumas, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 10:12:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18871108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: As reluctant as his enlistment had been, Alex had found something for himself that Master Sergeant Manes couldn’t take away.  He was living proof that Jesse Manes had been wrong… because a man like Alex could make something out of himself, and it stuck in his father’s craw that Alex was better than him at the one thing Jesse had always coveted.  War.





	Just In Case It Hasn't Gone

Alex Manes never wanted to be a military man, but he couldn’t deny that he was good at it. 

As reluctant as his enlistment had been, Alex had found something for himself that Master Sergeant Manes couldn’t take away.  He was living proof that Jesse Manes had been _wrong_ … because a man like Alex _could_ make something out of himself, and it stuck in his father’s craw that Alex was better than him at the one thing Jesse had always coveted.  War. 

It was something Alex had never wanted to be good at, but here he stood, three-quarters of a _real_ Manes man, and yet more decorated than Jesse Manes.  More respected by his superiors.  More celebrated for something Alex had _never even wanted_.  He was a literal hometown hero, complete with a parade in his honor, and while Alex had hated every second of every accolade showered on him that day, he couldn’t help but feel satisfaction every time he thought about how his father must have hated it even more than Alex had… because that parade had been for Jesse’s _pervert_ of a son. 

It was only fitting that he enlisted because Alex had been at war for as long as he could remember, starting at only ten years old… when his father stopped loving him.  Alex was ten when his mother left.  Ten when his brothers decided Alex was the reason she was gone.  Ten when he started believing it himself. 

He was still just only fourteen when Alex realized that he only had himself because his brothers were never going to understand him, or be there for him, and that his father was never going to change into someone who could even tolerate the sight of Alex. 

But at fourteen, he didn’t understand _why_.  

When he began to figure out the truth about himself, a truth that his father had acknowledged years prior, Alex wondered if he really _had_ been the reason his mother left.  It stood to reason when he really thought about it.  If he wasn’t so different and wasn’t such a disappointment to everyone, then his mother would have stayed, wouldn’t she?  Or at least loved him enough to take him with her? 

Alex was fourteen when he became completely convinced that not a single member of the Manes family loved him at all.  He was also fourteen when he decided that he didn’t care anymore.  When he decided to be the exact opposite of everything Jesse Manes was.  When he threw himself into music and trying to find little pieces of happiness, short patches of time when he could stop fighting.  Time with friends like Liz and Maria.  Time that counted down the days until he could be free. 

But the battle at home never ended.  For his brothers, he was just a release for their frustration, for their anger, for their inability to make their father happy.  Alex was an everyday reminder of their mother.  For his father, Alex was an embarrassment.  A perversion.  A curse.  A symbol of everything Jesse Manes hated. 

And he never let Alex forget it, with cruel words and fury.  With his fists. 

Jesse Manes had started this war when Alex was just ten years old, and Alex had been fighting it ever since. 

Sometimes, he felt like he didn’t know how to stop. 

Alex was seventeen when that war dragged Michael Guerin into a battle _he’d_ never signed up for. 

Michael was everything that Alex had ever wanted for himself.  He was beautiful and _so_ clever.  So smart that Alex was sure he would get out of Roswell without any problems.  That full ride to UNM had been what Michael needed.  What he hadn’t needed… was a war. 

For weeks after Alex enlisted, he heard his father’s voice in his head, telling him that it wouldn’t take much for him to completely break Michael.  To ruin him.  Michael’s hand had just been a starting point for him.  Night after night, he remembered the taunts about how his father would destroy Michael and how Alex would get to watch it happen for daring to exist in his father’s line of sight, for daring to love another boy.  For parading his perversions under the Manes roof.

For Alex daring to love _this_ boy, a boy who would try and protect him, whatever the cost. 

And for years afterward, every time Alex closed his eyes, he saw Jesse Manes shattering Michael’s hand.  Again and again.

Alex could take the punishment Jesse Manes felt he so obviously deserved, because he’d taken it for years and had survived, but Michael hadn’t deserved any of it. 

So, Alex was eighteen when he’d taken the first step in walking away from Michael, to protect him from a war that he had never deserved.  And for most of the past ten years, Alex couldn’t help but think that everything that was wrong in Michael’s life had been all Alex’s fault. 

For putting Michael in the cross-hairs of Jesse Manes. 

Every time he came home on leave, he saw what kind of life Michael had endured while Alex had been away.  He saw the drunken bar fights and the side hustles, and he saw the way Michael threw up walls against everyone.  Against him. 

 _Alex_ had done that.  

In trying to protect him from Jesse Manes, all Alex had managed to do was ruin his life. 

 

 

Alex Manes was twenty-eight years old when he realized that he had more power than his father. 

He just hadn’t realized it in time.  He hadn’t realized it in time to protect _anyone_ , especially not Michael and his siblings.  If he’d realized it sooner, would they have been able to keep Caulfield from exploding?  Would they have managed to keep Michael’s mother, and the others like him… his family… alive?

Alex should have realized that Jesse Manes wasn’t going to make the battle easy for him.  He should have never let him walk out of that bunker alive.  He should have known that his father wouldn’t take Alex’s threat seriously.  The transfer to Niger was too good for him, was more than he’d deserved, and because Alex hadn’t been a bloodthirsty as he should have been, Jesse had managed to work around it and then tried to kill Kyle Valenti.   His father had bided his time until he could come back to destroy everything. 

Alex should have never left the decision to put Jesse Manes out of action to Kyle, because it wasn’t Kyle’s war either.  Kyle had his own.   

If Alex had taken his father out sooner, would that have changed anything?  How fitting would it have been for the man who had shown Alex nothing but cruelty and hate to have died by Alex's hand?

He would destroy himself with the would haves and should haves that kept him up at night, because in the end… it didn’t matter.  It didn’t matter what he could have done or should have done because he hadn’t _done_ them, and Michael’s people… Michael’s family, were dead. 

And Alex knew Michael would blame himself.  Michael would, for the rest of his life, feel like it was his own fault because they hadn’t been able to save her.  Because he’d listened to her when she told him to run.  _None_ of it had been Michael’s fault.  It was Jesse Manes’s fault, and it was Alex’s fault because he’d underestimated his father.  Alex had forgotten, in his years away, that Jesse Manes didn’t care who got hurt, as long as he won. 

Not only had Jesse won when his weapons destroyed the survivors of the crash, he’d also won their personal war, and yet he wasn’t even awake to gloat about it.  To taunt Alex with the knowledge that he’d single-handedly destroyed everything Alex cared about.

Alex had lost the war, the one he’d been fighting since he was ten years old because Jesse had won the moment Alex lost the one person he was fighting _for_.

Now, it wouldn’t matter how much Alex loved Michael Guerin.  Now Alex’s name, his memory, would be blood-stained in Michael’s eyes, so associated with death and destruction… and war… that he had lost Michael for good. 

Michael would never be able to look at him as anything but a monster… just like his father.  Alex didn’t even need Michael to confirm it because Michael could barely even look at him. 

Michael didn’t want to even _try_ anymore, and Alex couldn’t actually blame him. 

When he’d found out about Michael and Maria, he’d known from the beginning that it was over for him.  That Alex was out of the picture. 

When Maria had promised him it wouldn’t happen again, Alex had known she was lying. 

Alex _knew_ Michael.  He knew how it felt to want him more than anything.  He knew how Michael could get under a person’s skin and make them want him so much that they couldn’t breathe properly.  He knew how well Michael’s kiss could devastate.  He knew how Michael’s words could cut through to the truth and overwhelm someone with their simplicity. 

“ _I never look away.  Not really_.” 

He could see it in her face that Michael had gotten under her skin too.  It was in the way she’d almost begged for him to confirm that he loved Wyatt Long and not Michael. 

By going there to talk to her, Alex had hoped…

Well, that was the problem, wasn’t it?  He’d _hoped_.  He should have known better.

How could he compete with someone who could love Michael without bringing him pain? 

When Michael hadn’t shown up that day to talk to him, his first instinct had been that something was wrong with Max and Isobel.  The way Michael had torn out of the Airstream in a panic had meant an emergency was going on, and Alex eventually found out that he’d been right.  There had been something wrong with Max, but that wasn’t the reason for Michael not showing up.    

He hadn’t shown up because he’d chosen, and his choice wasn’t Alex. 

Alex would have to respect that. 

Michael didn’t know that Jesse Manes wasn’t a problem anymore, that it was safer to try now, that it was safer for Alex to love him.  Michael didn’t know Alex was stronger now. 

But it wouldn’t even matter if he did because the damage was done.  Michael might love him, and Alex thought he probably still did, but it didn’t matter because all that ever happened when they tried anything was pain. 

Destruction. 

War. 

 

 

Alex was outside his cabin, soaking in the waning sunlight and sipping another cold beer, debating whether he should go inside to avoid the cooling evening breeze, when Michael’s truck pulled up. 

He’d hoped that by avoiding them both that he could begin to heal, but the planets hadn’t aligned to let him, he guessed.  Maybe he deserved it.  Maybe he deserved to watch Michael move on without him… as payment for being a Manes. 

“Why did you do it?” Michael asked as he all but threw his body out of the cab. 

Alex watched as Michael walked forward, with an expression that held something that Alex, for once, couldn’t read.  Alex took a moment to just look at him.  He must have left his hat in the truck, so Michael’s curls catching in the wind were just as lethal to Alex as they’d always been.  He wore his usual jeans, cowboy boots and a partially buttoned plaid shirt tucked in behind the buckle.  He looked like he hadn’t shaved in days, and he probably hadn’t slept in just as many, but Alex still thought he was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

“Why did I do what?” Alex asked calmly.

“The project.  You know what I’m talking about, Alex.” 

And wasn’t it sad that the sound of his name on Michael’s lips was still enough to make him shiver?  Alex closed his eyes and took other drink. 

“I really don’t,” he lied.

“I thought you _retired_.”  Michael looked worried.  “Valenti told me you’re working on the project again.  Getting involved again.”

Alex nodded at the answer to the unasked question about how he’d known.  Of course, Kyle had told Michael, because Kyle was trying to _help_.  Alex rubbed at his right thigh, at the dull ache the cold air was giving him.  

He looked up. “It should be obvious.”

Michael looked like he knew the answer but was afraid to voice it. 

“We found another prison, one farther east.  And I _did_ retire.  _Honorable_ discharge,” he huffed.  “The project was never authorized to begin with, so I took over everything when I hacked my father’s computers.  And I,” Alex leaned forward and set his beer bottle down next to him, “am much better at hiding things than my father was.” 

“Another one?” Michael asked quietly.

“Yes, and this time, if we find what I think we’ll find, we have a plan to get them out.”

“We?”

“Kyle and I have been working on it since Max came back.  Using his father’s old records and the hacked information from Caulfield.  We’ve been keeping it quiet.”

“Why?  Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because you…,” he swallowed back the hurt.  “You, and Max and Isobel… have been through a lot.  I… _we_ didn’t want to put anything else on you before we knew for sure.  We found it when you guys were still trying to find a way to bring him back.  I didn’t want to distract you or get your hopes up for other survivors.”  Alex met his gaze.

He didn’t want to cause more trauma.  He let that part go unsaid.

Alex would keep fighting a war he’d already lost, just so that Michael could be free from it.  Michael’s safety came before a lot of things in Alex’s life, but it was better that Michael not know that.  His father might still be in a coma, and Alex might not have to worry about him trying to hurt Michael and his family anymore, but the legacy Jesse Manes left behind would never let Alex be free. 

“I want to go with you when you go to find it,” Michael said.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Michael,” Alex replied. 

Michael paled, and Alex realized what that had probably sounded like to him.  Like he blamed Michael for the explosion.  Alex stood and stepped towards him. 

“I don’t mean that the way you think I do, Michael.” 

“Then what _do_ you mean,” Michael demanded, angry now.  “They are my family, Alex.  I’m not letting another alien die.  Not this time.” 

It never took much to make him angry, and Alex had used it in the past to push him away.  It kept him safe, but it also broke Alex’s heart again and again. 

“I _meant_ that unless Maria knows more than I think she knows, it will be hard to explain you taking a road trip with me and Kyle.”

Michael’s face shuttered, and he looked away. 

“About Maria…” Michael said softly.  He looked so tired, his eyes bloodshot and weary. 

“No, we’re not going to do this,” Alex turned towards the front door of his cabin. 

“Alex, wait,” Michael’s hand shot out and grabbed him, and Alex stopped but didn’t turn his head.  “Please.”

“Please what?” Alex was angry now.  “Please listen as you explain why you bothered to tell me to come back so we could have a talk you never intended to have?”

Alex looked at him.  Michael, always itching for a fight, opened his mouth, but then it seemed as if all the fight had gone out of him.   

Alex had _thought_ that the fight had gone out of him too, but apparently, he was wrong. 

“What, Michael?  Please what?  Listen while you explain why you had ten years to start a relationship with my _best friend_ , but you waited until now to do it?  Waited until I got back so I could watch it happen right in front of me?  Is that what you want to say?”

“Alex,” Michael’s voice was smaller than Alex had ever heard. 

Alex knew he didn’t have much room to talk.  He’d hurt Michael over and over, but at least it had been to protect him, even if he had no intention of ever telling Michael about that because he didn’t want Michael’s pity.  He couldn’t stand pity. 

Michael going to Maria, while Alex knew that it had been because Alex brought him nothing but pain… it felt like a personal fuck you to Alex.  Like he’d chosen Maria to cause Alex as much pain as possible. 

The more mature part of Alex knew that it wasn’t true, but he’d had a few too many beers and his mature side wasn’t in control anymore.

And he’d left nice back in the Middle East.

Alex turned to face him, “What, Michael?  I’m tired, and I’ve been drinking.  I’m not in the mood for this.” 

“You said you were done walking away.”

Alex snorted with incredulity.  “Yeah, I did.  And you said you never look away.  I guess we were both wrong.” 

“Alex, I need to not hurt anymore.  I’m just so… tired.  Tired of fighting.  Tired of never being happy.”

“I know that,” Alex said softly.  “I was going to tell you that I know that, when I came to the Airstream that morning.  That we could back off and figure ourselves out first.  That you could take all the time you needed.  I’m tired of some things too.  I’m tired of being lonely.  I’m tired of missing you.  I’m tired of having everything in my life die under the shadow of Jesse Manes.  And I’m tired of giving up things I want because I don’t think I _deserve_ them.”

Michael stepped closer and raised his hand as if he was going to comfort him, but Alex stopped him. 

“Don’t.  I’m never going to get over you if you don’t _let_ me.”

“I don’t want you to get over me,” Michael said roughly.  “I’ve _never_ wanted that.” 

“Of course, you don’t,” Alex laughed, though he found no humor in it.  “Why should I be allowed to get over you?  You get to move on with my _best friend_ , but I need to constantly be reminded that _I_ can’t have you?  I know I deserve some shitty things to happen to me, Michael, but I didn’t think you were cruel.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Michael argued softly.

“Then what do you _mean_?” Alex shouted.  “I have _tried_ to understand.  I get that you need time.  I get that you can’t be around me right now, but I can’t do what you want if _I don’t know_ _what you want!”_

“I want loving you to stop _hurting_ ,” Michael shouted back. 

Alex blinked back the tears in his eyes and looked at him, “Then stop loving me.  Should be simple, right?  You’ve already got a head start from what I hear.”

Alex turned away.  He knew that was petty, but like he said… he wasn’t nice anymore.

“I can’t do this with you again,” Michael replied harshly.  Alex didn’t know if he meant the argument or the relationship, but it didn’t even really matter anyway.  “You don’t know anything about it!”

“And whose fault is that?” Alex said quietly.  “ _Come back tomorrow.  We’ll talk_.” 

“I made a mistake,” Michael replied just as softly.

“And you’re still making it,” Alex returned, deliberately referring to the Maria decision and not the decision to not talk to Alex about her.  “Or does Maria know that you’re here?  Is she waiting back at the bar to hear about how much you hurt me _this_ time?”

“That’s not fair.”

“Nothing’s fair!”  Alex shouted.  “Nothing about this has _ever_ been fair, but neither is this…” he gestured between them… “thing you’re doing.  You _picked_ Maria, and as a special fuck you to me, now you want what?  Me cheering you both on from the sidelines?  Me to wait for you?  Or is this just another reason you’re giving me to walk away?  That way when this comes around again, and it _will_ come around again… you can have another reason to blame me for leaving.  Is that what you want?” 

“Maybe I don’t know what I want.  Did you ever think of that, Alex?” Michael ground out.

“Yeah, I did think of that.  And I was going to give you time to figure it out, but you didn’t give _me_ time to do that, did you?”

Michael groaned in frustration and shoved his hands through his hair, “It’s like a broken record with you.”

“Stop playing it then.”

“Alex.”

“Why did you really come here?  It couldn’t have been to find out information Kyle could have given you.”

Michael turned to the hood and slapped both hands on it, at the same time his telekinesis blasted a circle of dirt out from around the truck. 

Alex watched as Michael took a deep breath to calm down.

“I don’t fucking know, Alex.  I don’t know why I ever do _anything_ when you’re concerned.  You screw me up every single time.” 

Alex felt like he’d been slapped.  “I screw you up, huh?  Then why are you bothering?”

“ _Because I love you,_ ” Michael yelled. 

Alex stared at him. 

Michael stared back. 

“You’ve never said that before,” Alex said softly. 

Michael glared at him.  “You know I love you.  Don’t act surprised.” 

“I never said you didn’t love me.  But in ten years, that is the first time you’ve ever _said it_.”

“You never said it either,” Michael snapped.

“Yes, I have,” Alex argued.

“No, you haven’t.  You said _loved_.  You _loved_ me.” 

“Semantics.  You know what I meant.  You just didn’t want to hear it at the time.” 

“I love you, okay?  Present tense.”

“But what’s the point of telling me now?  You don’t want to be with me.  You said it yourself.  You _can’t_ be with me.  So why tell me this now?”

“Because I fucking miss you!  I can’t _stop_ missing you.  I can’t get you out of my head, and it’s so loud not even music helps anymore.  I can’t get the pain in my hand to stop, and I’ve wanted to ask you a thousand times how to handle it, but I stop when I realize that I can’t come to you.” 

“So, what is it you want?” Alex asked.  “You want to have a relationship with Maria, to be with her, but still be able to come to me whenever _you_ need _me_? I’ve been avoiding that kind of situation for a reason.”

“I know.”

“I was ready for you.  You have no idea _how_ ready, Michael.  Why didn’t you just tell me?  Why couldn’t you do that?  Why did I have to find out from someone else?”

“I don’t know,” Michael looked at him sadly.  “I honestly don’t know.” 

“All I wanted was one day, and I hated that you went through yet another trauma, so I was going to respect that and leave you alone for a while.  But your way of dealing with trauma was to…” his voice cracked as he thought about it.  “I don’t _want_ to feel like it was done to hurt me, but honestly?  That’s how I feel.”

Michael closed his eyes and took another deep breath.  “Maybe it was.  I told Maria she did nothing wrong after Texas.  That what we had was over, but that wasn’t true because nothing with you is _ever_ over.” 

Alex stepped closer, “I love you.  I’m _in love_ with you, and I have been for ten years.  I know that you can’t be with me right now, and I respect that.  But you cannot expect me to just sit back and watch you be with Maria.  I _can’t_ do that because that will absolutely break me.  If you want something real with her, then you _both_ have to leave me out of it.  You _have_ to let me go.”

Michael let out a sob that nearly destroyed Alex.  “And if I don’t want to let you go?”

“Then tell me that, but if you need time, I can do that.  But if you want something real with me, then you have to be honest about it.  To Maria and to me.”

Michael nodded and turned to get back into his truck.  He paused before turning the ignition and stared at Alex through the dashboard. 

Alex felt the ghost of a caress against his cheek and closed his eyes. 

Michael may not have touched him during their conversation, but it appeared he wasn’t going to leave without satisfying at least one kind of craving Alex had for him. 

Alex opened his eyes again and smiled sadly at Michael. 

It wasn’t fair.  But then again when was anything ever fair for him.  He’d drawn the short straw in life, ending up as a Manes, and it wouldn’t do him any good to deny it. 

Alex took a deep breath to stave off tears as he watched Michael pull out and drive away.  He held out until Michael got out of view before he broke and let the tears fall.  He gave himself a few moments to pity himself and the intensity of the situation before he took another cleansing breath and wiped tears from his face. 

Alex had work to do. 

He had another war to wage.

**Author's Note:**

> These two characters are going to break me. FYI the titles of both Roswell fics I've done are lyrics from When We Were Young by Adele.


End file.
